word of the day: still

by erika

Hi Friends,

Yesterday, as I walked from meeting to meting to meeting all over campus, I calmed myself with this lovely thought, “Someday, I’ll get to die.” A smile would come across my face and I would breathe as the quiet passed over me. I do not wish to die anytime soon, but the notion that someday I will be done with everything, no matter what is left on my to-do list, was magnificently comforting. This is a win for a girl who used to lie in bed terrified by the infinite distance of space and the consternation of “gone forever-ness.” The addition of “get to” in the above incantation is my little pressie to myself–offering death as a gift, not a punishment. Offering my off-ing as relief from being so “on.”

word of the day: still

So interesting this word–its ongoing relentlessness and its quiet.

I am still worrying. I am still racing about.

If I could stay still, even for just a moment, while worrying, I wonder if I could stop all the racing about.

That is where my little gift comes in, my “someday I’ll get to…”

I keep remembering bits of a dream from last week where a wise one told me that the only way to know death is to give it an absence of thought, as death is the most clear from busy mind that we can be and therefore its cleanest meditation is not to worry, fear, or even consider it. And so, in my exhaustion, when I give myself to the purity of the emptiness of the idea, I don’t wonder what will happen after, I do not worry how it will go, I just slip into the notion of done with this–which  makes whatever this is all the sweeter for its temporality and finiteness.

In the meantime, within the meanness of time, I will work to ease my body towards quiet. I will practice being still alive. still.

Love to all,

not-so-silent e