the e-dict

Hi Friends,

We have a video monitor for ezra, we call it, “eztv.” It has the best channels in the world–all ezra, all the time. Just now, I was watching the screen after putting eib down for his first nap of the day. There he was, sleeping sweetly, paciL hanging out of his mouth like a cigar, when, in slow motion…the binky began to drop.  I sprinted for the nursery, ready to pop that sucker back in before it hit the mattress, frantic to avoid the wail that was about to occur.  But when I got to the door I was met with quiet. And then, the loudest sound in the world…binky down.  And then…nothing. silence. I stood holding my breath as if I were about to disarm a bomb. Motionless, I waited. Nothing but white noise and mechanical bird chirps. I waited. Only atmospheric fan. I waited. Luther at my feet, I waited, and still, nothing but stillness.  Ezra had self-soothed.  He didn’t need me and my 10 meter dash to his side. He didn’t need my hyper-diligence. He was just fine.

word of the day: soothe

Just to say it makes the backwards brackets of my brow soften into single quotation marks. Just to hear it makes me feel it. Though, there should be more o’s, at least three. Try it, sooooothe.   ahhhhhh. Interesting to learn that soothe was first used in 1657 ( I love the specificity of that–the moment of a words birth, its first utterance into existence.)  And then to find that in its Middle English origins it meant “to verify,” that the establishment of truth or reality shape-shifted into placating comfort and quietude.  Thinking back in the direction of the word’s origin, I reflect on the things that truly soothe, not the binkies of this life: the Stone Cellar chardonnay and Twizzlers,  the dark sea salt chocolate,  the Bach cello suites–all of which come to and end or slip sweetly from the corners of our mouths into the abyss below.  No, I think all the way back to the self-soothers of Truth and Reality–the facts that we are loved, that we are safe, that we are cared for, if only by ourselves.

“There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself.”–brian andreas.

Today I am grateful for the pacifer of words I whisper to myself, the mantras I don’t have to sprint to catch before they fall away, as they are always there if I am able to stand at the doorway, quiet enough to listen. soothe.

Love to all,

not-so-silent e