love letter to myself from 88 year-old Erika

by erika

hi kitten,

Not an easy month this October, is it? So much Kali energy…death, rebirth, death, rebirth. Phoenixing is hard on the adrenals. (So is that sugar you are once again pumping into your body late at night, but I am not judging your use of numbi bears at this moment in your history–so so much going on–but maybe read the recommended dosage (“a serving is a little handful“).  I do have some words for you that you might not want to hear:

THIS keeps happening. THIS, meaning:

a. this “busiest” time (it doesn’t even compete with October 2029)

b. the devastation you feel for your beloved friend (trust how strong they are and how they already know that their life’s work is to open to the love that’s enveloping them–more than most people ever know– so just keep loving them…and the next friend who suffers…and the next…)

c. the cycle of fear, anger, panic, and numb (repeat)

d. the cycle of excitement, doubt, joy, and doubt some more (repeat)

Doubt is not the antidote to expectation. Wanting something then doubting that you’ll get it…the house, happiness, a moment to yourself when you are just trying to get a cup of coffee…sets you up to not receive what can come in lieu of the thing you think you wanted or expected (god forbid, “deserved”). Doubt doesn’t help lessen the blow. It helps blow the lesson on letting go. It sets you up for thinking you are not worthy, instead of believing in the worth of the unknown. There is no benefit to the doubt. This isn’t the last time I tell you this, but it might be the last time I have to get so preachy about it.

As for the cycle that has numb in the works…do you see yet how numbing doesn’t stop the feelings (or the all shit from happening), “all it can do is delay it for awhile.” (just like death and true love). I am here to remind you that even after decades and decades it all feels like the blink of a beautiful eye…love, Steven Tyler was right, you don’t want to miss a thing.

THIS keeps happening and THIS too shall pass:

Joy

Pain

Suffering

Contentment

All recurring. All returning.

Though all these impossible, beautiful things shall pass, try not to let worry, doubt, and numbing make them pass you by. Stand in the pain open-armed, the way you did in the rain as a girl. Take the communion of sadness on your tongue, taste its bitterness, let it dissolve. Lift your face to that perfect snowflake of grace. Feel it all. Feel it all.

I really, really love you. And I’m sorry it’s so hard right now. It’s also beautiful.

Infinitely Yours,

88 year-old Erika